How to Fix

October 5, 2011 Off By Tommy Gun

GameStop - would you like to pre-order?

In my last post I exposed GameStop’s wish list lies. Now it’s time to fix, so let me outline my proposal step-by-step — but first, I’ll fix those stupid mismatching icons:

There. That took me five damn minutes, GameStop. I would be happy to send you those graphics if you’d like. Okay, so now to fix the real problems.  The cornerstone of any relationship is honesty, and we can improve that in a few ways:

Step 1. Apply a liberal use of quotation marks

This menu bar could use a few changes:


No need to change the company tagline, just add a couple quotes:


They literally list some games with the normal retail price on their deals page, so:


Let’s fix that “hot item” text I hated so much in my last post, and the pop-up text:

Actually, I don’t think quotes are enough to fix that pop-up text.  We’ll re-write it in a minute.

Step 2. Add asterisks where needed

A lot of people don’t consider an open box to equal new, so a quick warning:


Why does anyone buy downloadable games and DLC at GameStop?

You know you can just buy these games directly on your console, right? I mean you obviously have an internet connection if you’re downloading the game, so why suffer through a visit to our store with our patronizing employees? Maybe you think coming to our store is easier, but you’re wrong. And our website? Well then you’d have to enter a long annoying code, and that’s no fun either. You can literally just buy it right on your you understand what I’m saying? You can just buy it, and you’re done. You don’t need a middleman, it’s actually really easy and streamlined! Here, I’ll even Google it for you....


You’ll spend more on gas driving to GameStop than you’ll get in store credit:

Trade-In Offers -- In addition to the 59 cents we’ll give you for a game we sell for $40. Don’t go to ebay, they um...they closed. Besides, we’re just like ebay, except judgemental and derisive.

Step 3. Re-write pop-up text

This pre-owned product has been carefully tested to ensure it is, in fact, a video game. It is guaranteed to "work," in-so-much that it exists in the universe, therefore it "is." An industrial strength random orbit sander may be required to remove scratches. May not include original box and instruction manual. Well, let's be honest, it almost definitely will not include anything other than the disc. Disc may be covered in some dried chocolate shake from a kid who owned it before you, though. Consider that a bonus! Any fluids found on the disc should be independently tested. Do not lick disc.

There’s still a lot to be done to fix your reputation, but that’s a pretty good start, and I think we have a bright future ahead of us.   Just stop asking me to pre-order every game.

Updated 10/12/11